Forgetfulness (and a tediously long self-analysis)

I am not sure if it's a curse or a blessing.
I do have an awful memory about what others did to me,
or to be more precise, how others have angered, irritated or wronged against me...

Of course this includes my relationship with him.
It would be considered a miracle if I could remember what our last fight was about.

I could recall the heat and temper among us,
may even be able to hear once again the awful words coming from my mouth,
(I am the one who got a bad mouth when we argue... not the usual-swearing him...)
In my mind, I could picture the whole environment,
down to the very detail of whether the bedside lamp was lit,
where our cat was hiding and how much tear was shed.

But I simply could not remember what triggered it.

Of course that goes to my relationship with my mom and dad as well,
I hardly remember any fights with them.
Not that I don't fight with them, it's just I don't remember why or on what occasion.

The only fight I still have in my mind, with my parents,
was when I told them I wanted to go to Jordan for voluntary work,
three months before I graduated from university.

I remember sitting in the dark, crying, as I kept telling them how much I longed to go.
And mom was crying, lying in bed, said it's my obligation to stay here and took care of her.

That was it. It actually was a turn of my life, but I don't even remember how heart-breaking it was.


Of course the same goes to Him.
I don't remember on which particular occasion had I fought with him.

There must be times when I tried to struggle out of His grip.
There must be times when I wanted to turn away from Him and all.
There must be times when I just didn't want to include Him in my life and said He was the biggest manipulator of all. (That's true, in a way, I think. At least in the original creation part.)

But I just don't know when and why.

All that is left in my memories are either the mundane day-to-day things,
or the very happy and fruitful experiences.
And this applies to friends, families, husband and God.

So... I may make a few other conclusions or deductions out of this.

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I don't leave a social group, or stop meeting certain people, because I remember how they made me angry/ disappointed/ cried/ sad/ feeling bad.
I leave because all that I remember about them are mundane things. I leave because I am bored.
(Is it too harsh? Well, nvm, this blog is MY journal. It is ok to be honest.)

(The story would totally be different if they are the ones who stop seeing me...)

And because I don't stop seeing someone due to hatred or anger or other emotions rooted from a long ago conflict, there is always possibility that I would once again join the group - when there are happy memories among us again.

When, perhaps, in a future time, we share the same kind of interests, ambitions or goals again.

Ok, this could make people really confused... I admit it.

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I trust God because I always remember the good days we had together.

"How could you be sure that He is a GOOD God?"
I am not the one to answer this question, I suppose.
Because I honestly don't remember anytime that He was mean or bad, so to speak.

I guess my self-defense mechanism is simply too strong for me,
to remember this aspect of life - the time when you feel everyone was against you.

(Oh, I suddenly remember the time when I first went into the girl's school. How the classmates ignored me because I came from another local school. They didn't know me from birth, that is to say. I know I was being ignored, as a fact, but I don't recall anger or anything like that in it. The same goes to the Math teacher who demanded me to get a higher grade, and told me I was a disgrace because being top of class, I only managed to attain 13 out of the whole year of students.... I don't remember the rage, but I do remember fear. Well, that's another thing.)

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I am not sure if that's a good thing or not. 

Missing that part sometimes makes you feel like you are living in a dream...

It's so surreal-ly happy and good. 

It also makes me less capable of feeling others' anger, or even worse, the deep-rooted hatred. 

and when they explode, I could only be plain blank or dead calm...

That's not compassionate enough...

or could not meet up to the bars of some people...

Is this a talent or a defect?
A blessing or a curse?

I still wonder.